My Mister

It’s been some time since I’ve shared an update on myself! And I’m glad to report I’m very well! 

I’m not sure where I left off in my last post (it’s been quite a while!). A few months ago, my best friend’s brother, T, had asked me on a date. I was a little skeptical about it because he and I basically grew up together since I was always at his house when we were kids, to spend time with his sister (my best friend). He asked me to be his girlfriend early on after going to see a movie and I politely declined. We hadn’t spent much “one-on-one” time together and still wasn’t sure how I felt about the whole thing. 

Fast forward a bit, we went camping together with his family for Memorial Day. We shared a tent, still “unofficial.” The next day after we got done camping, he stayed the night at my apartment. We were about to go to sleep and he asked me again if I’d be his girlfriend and I said yes! We had basically been exclusive with each other the whole time anyway. 

Things have been really great since! I had been driving 30 minutes to see him all the time (he lives in a different town) because his truck’s transmission was out, but he’s since gotten it fixed and he comes to see me now. I gave him a key to my apartment. Shortly after I gave him the key, he surprised me by coming over early in the morning with my favorite McDonald’s breakfast sandwich. Then he spent the day with me playing some video games and watching shows before he went to work in the evening. It was really nice! 

He’s been a really great boyfriend. I was having a problem with the dome light in my car not turning off, and he fixed it for me. He takes me out for dinner. He just stayed the weekend with me and while he was here he did my dishes and folded the clean clothes in my dryer (some of his clothes were in there, but he folded everything for me). He had some drinks with me and we had so much fun. We played some board games and took a bubble bath. He does all these nice things for me all the time, and it makes me so happy. 

He and his cousin are moving into a house within the next month. I want him to move in with me but he committed to moving with his cousin before he started dating me. He’s also said that my apartment is too far of a drive for him for work. His job, full time at a factory, is about an hour away from my place. He told me I could move with him and his cousin at this house but I don’t want to live with his cousin. I don’t necessarily dislike him, I just don’t want to live with him. So I think what T and I are going to do is move closer to his job next fall and I’ll find a new job in that town. 

I’m really glad with the way things are going for us! We’re both really happy together. It feels really natural, like we should’ve been doing this all along. 

That’s basically all the news I have! Aside from that, I can happily say that I’m losing weight! When I graduated high school, I weight about 135-140 pounds. After starting college and moving out of my moms, I gained quite a bit of weight. I got up to almost 170 lbs. I was really upset with the way I looked and didn’t feel good about myself. I’ve changed the way I eat and started walking more and this morning when i weighed myself (part of my morning ritual), the scale said 148! I’m feeling better about myself but still not great. I’m going to start doing Insanity Max 30 and I’m hoping that will really help the weight come off and tone me out a bit. 

I hope everything is well for everyone else! Thanks for reading! 


Long Time, No See

Or read, I guess? It’s been a minute since I’ve shared anything from my pretty plain life. And honestly, not very much has changed since I last posted!

I had my first dermatology check up since my initial visit, just to see how things were doing. The receptionist, doctor, and doctor’s assistant were all blown away by my progress. The entire time I was there, they kept commenting on how great I look and how impressed they are. That made me feel really good! After being so ashamed of my skin for so long, it was nice hearing from professionals that my skin actually looks good! I still don’t have clear skin, but that’s what we’re working on now! Mostly on my cheeks, I have red spots. Not zits anymore, but red scarring marks. The doctor increased the strength on my night cream and she said that should fade away a lot of the red spots. I’m actually kind of excited to go back and see what they say!

They showed me the before and after pictures that were taken only 3 months apart from each other. I was actually surprised to see myself the way I looked before. The acne was so bad, spreading across my entire face and down my neck. Just bright glowing red mountains everywhere. I don’t have anything close to that anymore! No bumps, no inflamed acne, just scars. I’ve been going to work with no make up! I don’t even really wear make up anymore.That NEVER would have happened before. I used to wear heavy concealer and powder every day, no matter what. Now, if I have time or feel like it, I’ll put a bit of powder on, but that’s it. No more concealer! The guy I’ve been seeing has even commented on how soft my skin is! Which leads me to my next topic…

I mentioned before that my best friend’s brother, T, had been interested in me. We have been spending time together on the weekends and text each other pretty regularly during the day throughout the week. He’s stayed the night with me the last couple Saturdays. We have a lot of fun together! We don’t really do much other than watch Netflix or go on walks or go out to eat, but we make each laugh a lot! I really enjoy his company. He makes me feel really good about myself. He tells me regularly about how beautiful and great he thinks I am. I actually want to be a better “me” because of him. I’ve never really had anybody treat me the way that he has. He runs his fingers through my hair and holds my face and just looks at me. When we’re driving around a “cutesy love” song comes on the radio, he’ll make it a point to look at me and sing it (or at least mouth the words). Just little things like that, that make me feel like he’s appreciating me as a person rather than an object. Typically when you’re alone with a guy like that, they take it as an opportunity to feel ya’ up. The fact he doesn’t means a lot to me.

While my relationship with him has been great, things got a little rocky between me and my best friend, A. She had gotten a little upset (jealous, maybe) that I have been spending so much time with T rather than her. Since she and I live 30 minutes apart and we both work (and she’s got 2 kids and a husband), we don’t get to see each other except on the weekends. I usually go over to her house and spend the day with her and the kids from around 11 or noon until late into the night on Saturdays. Since T and I had started talking, I’d leave her house early or T would come over too so it wasn’t just me and her. She didn’t say anything to me about for a long time, but she treated me differently. I’d see her and ask how she was doing and she’d give me short, one-word answers. Definitely not what I’m used to.

Finally, a couple nights ago we were texting back and forth and she mentioned how “T is my new best friend” and “we don’t hang out anymore.” I do see what she’s saying, and I apologized to her for making her feel that way. I told her that when people start up new relationships, it’s different and exciting and all you can think about is that person and all you want to do is see that person, and then after a while that fades away a bit. It’s just the way things go. I told her that she’s still my best friend and I still love her to death.

You just can’t please everyone, can ya’??

Work sucks

Everybody hates their job at least a little bit, right? I worked in an office for 3 years before quitting and starting work in another office. I absolutely hated my first office. I’d leave on my lunch just crying and shaking because I was so mad. The people I worked with didn’t ever listen to me and the boss has no problem belittling me in front of the entire office like I was a child. I’d feel like a little kid getting yelled at a parent and it would just ruin my whole day. 

The day I quit that job was one well celebrated by me. 

Now, I thought the office I moved to would be a lot better. I had already established a good rapport with them and thought we’d get along perfectly. So I started las year and for a while it went pretty well. I felt like I had done the right thing and was on the right track. 

Lately, I consider calling in sick almost every day. The old job made me mad and humiliated me, but the new job just makes me feel worthless. There’s one person in particular that really loves to just put me down. If I’m working on something and find an error, she comes up to me and says “Well what did you do?” 

Well what did you do

I didn’t do anything! I don’t know if it’s just easier to blame me for the mistakes of others since I’m the newest employee or what. I’m to the point where I hardly ever even acknowledge her. She talks and I turn my back around. I’m not dealing with being put down for stupid crap. 

I can feel that nobody has any respect for me and that doesn’t really make me want to be a “team player.” I’d talk to my boss about it but everyone here has been here longer than I have and they also have a way of talking themselves out of everything. My boss is also a flaky hypochondriac so she’s constantly leaving the office and doesn’t know what’s going on unless anyone tells her. She doesn’t ever confront people about problems but instead lets them fester. 

It’s just frustrating working somewhere that makes you feel like you can’t be yourself. I can’t afford to buy myself nice clothes so I usually wear jeans and a shirt. The girls I work with have said things to me about how I always wear jeans. One time I had worn dress pants and a blouse to work and a man from another department came in and complimented me and said he doesn’t usually see me like that. It was the perfect opportunity to let the girls in my office know how I felt since they were all within in ear shot. I said “Well I’m only 21 years old, I live by myself and pay my own bills with a part time job. If buying nice clothes to wear for work was a top priority for me then I’d be living in my car.” The girls I work with haven’t said much about it since then. 

It just really sucks feeling so disrespected and shunned. I just can’t wait to be outta here! 

Guys, Dating, and How I Know Nothing About Either

Hope you’re sitting in a comfy chair and have some time. It’s a long one, folks!

To start off, I just want to say that I’m not one to let my guard down and talk about really real things. I’ve got a pretty strong wall I keep up constantly so that I can keep people at arm’s length. Close enough to keep around but not too close to make myself vulnerable. Going through life like this, I usually end up pretty bottled up with things I’ve thought too much about and emotions I’m not really sure how to handle.

So, that being said… the topic at hand. I don’t really know where to start.

I can tell you that I am currently 22 years old, and that I would one day like to have a loving, caring husband who can take of and support me and a couple children. By “support” I don’t mean financially, I mean emotionally. A husband who will step up to the plate and do what it takes to make it through the hard times and laugh through the good times. I want a husband who will appreciate me and the things I do, and who will respect us and the life we share. A husband who will act as a sturdy structure for me and support my decisions for my life as an individual and for our life as a couple. A husband who will give us children that he loves and who will be there for me while we help them grow into independent adults. I want a husband who is proud of me.

I know that this sounds like a lot, but please know that I hold myself to these standards for him as well. I want to be a wife who can stand at my husband’s side through the trials and the tribulations. I want to be a wife who can provide a warm home for her family. A wife who respects her husband and makes him feel loved and appreciated. A wife who wouldn’t berate her husband for showing emotions. A wife who wants to make sure every single day that her husband knows she loves him and would do anything for him.

It sounds like a fairy tale, doesn’t it! I know (very well) that relationships aren’t perfect and sometimes things get difficult and a husband and wife will argue and bicker and damn near hate each other. How can you live with someone and not get sick of them every now and then, right? I try to keep my expectations realistic (emphasis on the “try” part). Making it through the hard moments together is what can make you stronger as a unit.

I’ve had boyfriends before that quite frankly were no good. My very first boyfriend was a year younger than me. He played baseball and football and I just thought he was the cutest thing. He would often say rude things in a joking manner (not about me, but about inappropriate things) and he was a little pushy about things. My next boyfriend was 2 years older than I was, and my parents loved him. He was sweet and I really liked him and we were together for a good amount of time. He was quite overweight and all we ever really did was get Little Caesar’s pizza and giant cans of Monster energy drinks (both things I hated) and hang out at his mom’s house. He worked at a bowling alley and was sometimes more interested in how cool he looked than anything. The next boyfriend, and the last one of my high school career, was 3 – 5 years older than me (I can’t remember exactly). I basically knew from the start he was kind of yucky. He was a high school drop out who had no ambition to really do anything productive with himself. He drank a lot and was a part of the “drug” clique. He wanted so badly to have a “traumatic” life that he would tell people he was homeless and would fake illnesses to get sympathy. He told me his dad kicked him out of his parents’ house, but I later met both his parents and they both said he had a bed upstairs and food on the table whenever he wanted. He was choosing to be homeless so that he could tell people that he was. I know, I’m just as confused as you are.

I recently had a conversation with my best friend about the people I’ve dated. She made the comment that “you’re so pretty and so smart, and you’ve dated such losers… I never understood why you’ve chosen the boyfriends that you’ve had.”

I know exactly why. I was looking for approval and acceptance and comfort. I wanted a guy to validate me and make me feel wanted and loved like my father never did.

If you don’t know why a little girl needs her daddy, let me tell you. Girls measure their self-worth by how their father treats them. They estimate what they deserve and what they can attain by what their dad says (or doesn’t say, for that matter) to them. A father sets an example of what a man is for his daughter.

My parents were not married. After I was born, they both lived with me at my maternal grandparents. Shortly after, they split. I don’t know for sure how old I was when they broke up, but I don’t have any memory of them ever being together. The only pictures I’ve seen of us together were from when I was still a baby. My earliest memories of my dad are of me waiting by the window with a packed duffle bag watching, waiting for him to show up at my mom’s house to pick me up. I spent every other weekend with him and saw him one day during the week. He was late picking me up every single time. I remember sitting on the front porch or in the living room glued to the window, waiting as patiently as I could for his dark blue Jeep to show up. It seemed like he would never come, but eventually he would get me and take me to his house. When I would get to his house, I’d put my bag in the bedroom that my older sister and I shared and I would play around with her and my older brother. We’d walk all around town, go to parks, ride bikes… get into all kinds of trouble. My dad has a serious drinking problem. I don’t remember much of him spending time with me because he was always drunk. During the day when us kids were out playing, he’d be mostly sober but come evening time, he was gone. He always wanted to be my friend more than he ever wanted to be my dad. He never taught me important life lessons or talked to me about real things. I think he was trying to be a cooler, more laid back parent than my mom was so that I would like him better. On top of that, I don’t think he ever knew how to parent. He left the discipline up to his wife, my step mom. He was present for the joking around but when it came down to it, I never felt like I could count on him or that he was ever there for me. My father was not always appropriate with me. He would get drunk and a couple times came into my bedroom at night and wouldn’t behave the way a father behaves with his daughter. I’ll leave it at that.

Now on the other hand, my mom’s husband was no better. My step dad worked at a factory and very much had a “factory worker” attitude. He was rude and crude and didn’t know when to stop. When he and my mom first got together, he tried very hard to impress me and get me to like him (what did I know, I was only 4!). This is what I’m told, but I don’t remember it ever being like that. Once he and my mom were married, things changed. I remember him berating me and telling me I was incompetent. He’d treat me like I was worthless and stupid. He said something to me once that I’ll never forget, and it still plays back in my head to this day. He said to me, “If you don’t change, you’ll never have any friends, and no one will ever want to marry you.” I was absolutely devastated. But my daddy never told me any different, so I believed it. My step father made remarks like this to me all the time. I couldn’t do anything right. I was stupid. I was lazy. He even told my family I was a bitch.

So here I am, a young girl who has an absent, neglectful, abusive father and a disrespectful, insulting, abusive step father. I’m set up to fail!
Now, it doesn’t take rocket scientist to know that a girl in this situation is going to have low self esteem and low self worth. (They don’t call it “daddy issues” for no reason, right?)

So this brings me back to my old loser boyfriends. The reason I dated the guys I dated was because I was just desperate for a guy’s attention! I wanted to feel love and approval from a guy. So, some boy who would tell me how pretty I was and how cool I looked seemed like the ticket. It wasn’t the right kind of approval and I’m not even sure it was love.

Into my adulthood now, I’m much more aware of the people around me. I’m more aware of who they are and what they say to me and how they treat me. In order to protect myself, I’ve built this defensive wall to keep people away from me. I know the damage people can do and I don’t want to take any more. I date around with guys. That’s not to say in a promiscuous kind of way, but in a flippant, facetious, I-don’t-really-need-you kind of way. I’ll spend a couple weeks talking and spending time with a guy and then we’ll go on our own separate ways. Then a few months later, it’ll be someone else. I find something I don’t like about most all of them. They don’t pay attention to me the way I think they should. It’s clear that I’m not a high priority to them. They spend too much time worrying about and doing other things. We don’t relate to each other very well. We don’t communicate very well. We don’t communicate at all. I spent some time with a (much) older dude. I quickly knew what was happening. I was looking for a father figure. What kind of relationship can come of that? Not a good one.

Because of the protective wall, I’ve recently realized that I come across as a rough-edged, don’t-need-no-love type of lady. This isn’t true. Of course I need love. I just want it to be a real, lasting love. With someone who can make me feel special and appreciate me for who I am instead of what I can give them. I just want to be happy.

Now that I have this awareness, it comes to mind often when I think of my dating/love life. What am I really getting out of this? What is he saying he likes about me? Why is he saying he likes me at all? Do I really feel respected or am I just feeling lust and infatuation? Applying this knowledge to real life is much harder than it sounds. I’m sure we all know, sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between love and lust. Do I like him or do I like the attention? I don’t feel like I’ve ever really found a person who I actually loved or cared about. I just loved what they were giving me. The validation I needed. I don’t want to just settle for someone. I want someone who I absolutely admire and love through and through.

My close family is down to mostly girls. 8 girls and 1 guy. My grandparents had 2 girls, and together those girls have 5 more girls (me included). My grandfather passed away last year and my aunt is divorced. That just leaves my mom’s husband, who honestly might be the most worthless person I know.

As you can probably tell by now, my relationship with guys is difficult. My grampa was the strongest and most reliable man I ever had in my entire life. Now I don’t have anyone. I’m hoping that one day (preferably sooner than later) I will find someone who can be a good family man. I don’t know who or when or how, but I will get to that place some day!

Spring break! 

It’s not actually that exciting. This week is my university’s spring break, so there are no classes in session. I still have to work though. 

It’s nice having a bit of time away. As sick as I am of going to school, I appreciate any time I can get away! I’m not doing anything exciting or going anywhere crazy. Just catching up on some cleaning and watching/listening to good ol’ Dr. Phil episodes. 

Not a lot has changed in the last week. I left off last Tuesday talking about my best friends brother, T, messaging me. He stills texts me pretty regularly but I don’t reply so regularly. The more I thought about it, the less I felt good about it. I don’t see anything really coming of it, and – at least for now – I’m just not feeling it. No harm, no foul! 

The weather in my area has been really great the last couple days. Warm enough to leave my apartment in just a maxi skirt and a t shirt. It’s really nice having the windows opened up and letting fresh air in. I’d love to go to nearby park and jog or ride my bike around a trail! It’s like spring really is just around the corner! (Knock on wood)

Tomorrow, best friend, A, and I are taking her kiddos to a science museum. We had originally planned on taking them to the Children’s Museum but her parents took A’s son there over the weekend. The science museum we’re going to is one that I’ve never visited before so I’m hoping it’ll be a lot of fun! 

Tomorrow morning I’ll be dying my hair red before we leave. A lot of my high school career, I had red hair and loved it. As my hair is growing out, I actually don’t mind it. I thought I’d hate the in between stages of growing out the buzzed sides. It could probably be trimmed and shaped but it’s not terrible! I’m pleasantly surprised! Having it red like I like will be nice too! 

Here’s to a good week, a fun weekend, and warm weather! 

Another Tuesday 

Another week has passed, and not a lot has changed. 

Last week I had to have the maintenance guys from my apartment management come and fix my water heater. I’d get hot water but it wouldn’t last long enough to take a shower. They came in and drilled a chunk of piping out of my water heater and added a check valve. The guy said that since my apartment uses hot water to heat the place, when the hot water goes from the water heater to the air heater, there was a valve that had gone out and was pumping cold water back into the water heater. So he installed a new valve that will only allow the water to flow one way so cold water won’t go back into the heater. Or at least, that’s the best I understood what he was trying to explain. Either way, I’m taking nice warm showers again, so that’s all I was really concerned about. 

I’ve been feeling kind of in a rut. I think maybe I’m one who likes to mix things up so they don’t get boring and monotonous. I don’t know what to change though. The easiest change I usually like to target is my hair. But it’s already super short, and I’m trying to not color it much because I’m still recovering from bleaching it to get the blue out. In fact, I’m actually trying to grow it out. For about a year now I’ve had a haircut like Pink has had (and what is now a really popular hair cut I guess). Long on top, buzzed on the sides and back. I’m kind of over it and also feel like maybe I’m not getting the respect I deserve because of it. Who knew growing out buzzed hair would be so awkward? (Probably everyone but me.) Theres really not much I can do with it, besides try to blow dry it down (it sticks straight out like a Afro!). I’m wanting to grow it out into something more like a fringey pixie cut or a short bob. If I can make it that far.. More than a few times, I’ve almost gotten the clippers out and trimmed it down again! 

Over the weekend, I went to my bestfriends house to see her and her kids. We did some painting (her 4 year old son, who is obsessed with trains, and I painted matching trains) and we tried making some DIY play dough with cornstarch, water, and shampoo. It was a recipe she found on Pinterest. It was pretty fun, but the dough was kind of dry and crumbly. We found some other recipes to test out another time. Then we went through some of her kids clothes to get rid of the things that are too small. I think we only made it through half of the clothes before we moved on to something else. 

A woman from her church was having a birthday party so I went with her and the kids to that. Talk about uncomfortable. The only people I knew there was her family and they were all talking to other people. It was in a tiny house and there was at least 20-30 people there. So here I am, cramped around a bunch of people I don’t even really know. I kind of talked to my best friend’s sister, C and H. I spent a little bit of time talking to her brother, T. At one point best friend, A, came over to T and I and asked what we were talking about. Ever since A and I have been friends (about 10 years, more or less!) she’s teased he and I about getting married one day. She’s also told me that she would like to have another baby at some point, but she wants she and I to be pregnant at the same time and have our kids around the same time (which I’m not against, and I’m glad she does.. How cute would that be?!). So while I was standing there talking to T, she starts in about how we should get married and have a kid. I kind of just joked along with her.. 

Now the pressures on! For the past 2 days, T has been messaging me and texting me. I don’t know how to handle it! He’s my best friend’s brother. He’s 2 years younger than I am (that means approximately 2 standard deviations less mature and adult as I am, if we’re being honest). He’s never exactly been “on my radar.” I would really love to be an official part of their family, as we already kind of accept it to be. I buy them Christmas gifts, and they buy me some too. I recently went on a family vacation with them. A and I are constantly (no really, CONSTANTLY) asked if we’re sisters. Her kids see me as an aunt, and I see them as my niece and nephew! I’d really really love to not only have in-laws that I know already love me, but have my best friend actually be my sister-in-law. But is that really a reason to be with her brother, that I was never really interested in before? I don’t think so. Also, what happens if it were to not work out? I don’t know. Best friend adamantly endorses the idea. At this point, it just kind of makes me uncomfortable. 

I don’t know what’s gonna happen. But anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough for now. Hope everyone is off to a good week! 

Tired Tuesday 

So for a while now, I’ve been reading a weekly post from my grandmother’s blog. It’s been nice knowing what she’s up to and thought it’d be a good idea to start doing it myself! 

I guess to start off, I can give you an update on my face situation. In my last blog, I talked about my first dermatologist appointment for my severe acne. It’s been about a month since I was first prescribed all my medications. I do think there is quite a bit of improvement! My skin was so angry, and it seemed like every morning, I had new pimples. And the new pimples I’d get were huge whiteheads that were so sore. I went through about a week or so of the flakiest dry skin on my face I’ve ever had. So dry that by just opening my jaw and stretching the skin, it would instantly crack apart and flake off. So I started using a moisturizer that my dermatologist gave and it seemed to help. I still have the dry flaky skin but it’s not nearly as bad. I was told that my skin would get dry and uncomfortable. Apparently that means the meds are working! The first step in getting clearer skin is drying these oily suckers out. 

I can also mention that I’ve been trying to eat better. I recently went on a trip to cabin with my best friend and her family. Once we got back and her mom posted the pictures of the trip on facebook, I could not believe how overweight I looked. I was just so disgusted. Since I graduated high school about 4 years ago, I’ve gained around 25-30 pounds. It’s really not THAT much weight and I don’t think it would be that hard to lose it, but i don’t see myself. My face and neck used to be so much slimmer. So to try to start working on this, I’m changing the way I eat. This weekend I’ve made turkey burgers and homemade pulled pork. Once it gets warmer outside, I’d like to start running/jogging around a local park. 

I’ll also mention that just today I sewed a tag blanket for my best friends almost 2 year old daughter. She sucks and chews on tag blankets every day, usually like a comfort blanket around bed and naptime. She only has about 4, including one I had made previously before she was born. Here are some pictures of the one I made today! I’m pretty proud of it! 

I’m sure she’ll love it. Having a brand new, fresh taggie to sleep with. 

I guess I’ll end this post here. I don’t have much more to write about just yet. I’ve been considering posting a blog about something that’s been weighing on my mind but I’m not sure about whether it’s a good idea or not. I consider my blog a private place to purge my thoughts and feelings but it’s not actually private.. I’ll have to wait and see how I feel about it. 

Hoping everyone in the blogging world is having a good week! 

First Dermatology Appointment…

All right folks.. If you’re following along, you know that last week I requested an appointment for a dermatologist for my severe acne. That appointment has now come and gone. I’m actually blogging about it 10 minutes after getting home from the appointment so the information is still fresh and so that I can back and review later if I need to!

So… what happened? Well, let me tell you.

Last night, I put all the products I’ve recently used, have used regularly, my makeup, my moisturizers, my cleansers.. Everything I could think of that the doctor might want to see. I refilled my birth control prescription so that I could show the dermatologist what I was taking.

This morning, I got out of bed and washed my face with a charcoal soap (that I’ve been using for about a week or so now). I skipped putting on makeup. I straightened the back of my hair since going to bed with damp hair last night left me with a bunch of hair standing straight up this morning. I ran to Walgreens to pick up my prescription and then went to the dermatologist’s office.

I got there 10 minutes early and since I had printed and filled out the new patient forms before I got there, my wait was very short. Just as well. The fewer people to see my spotty, bumpy, yucky face, the better.

So an assistant came to get me in the waiting room and took me back to the doctor’s office. I sat down on the giant leather table lined with the wonderfully crunchy and awkward paper. I see that there’s another young girl in the room and first assistant tells me she’s an assistant in training. Oh great. I’m a sideshow freak for everyone to look at! So then I proceeded to answer some questions.

How long have you had acne? I don’t know, probably close to 10 years, and it just keeps getting worse.
Does anyone in your family have acne? Not that I know of. Not like this.
Do you pick at your acne? Unfortunately.
What have you used to try to help it? Proactiv, AcneFree, Neutrogena, Aveeno..
So nothing prescription? Nope.

After a few minutes of this, the two assistants excused themselves and say the doctor will see me in just a moment (not before taking “before” pictures of my face… talk about humiliation). I sat and waited on the weird paper table and considered grabbing my phone from my jacket pocket across the room but see a sign that says if phones are in use during an appointment, the doctor will not see the patient and that you may have to reschedule your appointment. Welp, not grabbing my phone then.

The doctor finally came into the room and introduced herself to me. This is the part that took the less amount of time. She tells me acne is an oil disease (Oh yeah… I think I might have known that without knowing that.. is that possible? Why didn’t I ever remember that?). She asked to see all the washes and makeups and creams I’ve been using.

My charcoal face wash has grapeseed oil, coconut oil, sandalwood oil, and rosewood oil. She says don’t use it.

My face scrub has coconut oil and lime oil. Don’t use it.

My moisturizer has almond oil. Don’t use it.

The facial mask I’ve used has peppermint oil and African Merigold oil. Don’t use it.

My makeup (made for oil/combination skin) passed the test. I can use that.

The face wash I WAS using seemed to pass the test. So she told me that she’s going to prescribe a face wash that I’ll have to ease myself into using since it’s so strong. Evidently my skin is too bad to use Epiduo. She said she might prescribe it later. She told me she’s going to prescribe an antibiotic, which will calm my skin down, reduce the redness and swelling. And I’m also going to be getting a topical cream to use. She told me that these things will be very drying, which is what I want, and that I may not like it, so she gave me some oil-free Cetaphil moisturizer samples.

Then she mentions something that I’ve been really dreading. If these things don’t work and there aren’t sufficient improvements by my three-month check up, she may put me on Accutane.

No! That was something I did not want to do! Accutane is so severe! Even after she tells me she may have to put me on it, she says how difficult it is. Women have to be on a contraceptive (I already am), you have to do all kinds of blood tests, women have to get monthly pregnancy tests… I say to her that I’ve heard people have lasting effects, like stomach and joint problems. She said she hopes it doesn’t come down me having to go on Accutane, and I told her I hope so too!

So tonight will be the beginning of what’s hopefully a step in the right direction. I get to pick up my prescriptions this evening and start this process. I would take some before pictures of my own and share them, but not now.. Maybe I’ll take some to show a before/after at my three-month point.

Wish me luck! :/

Ughh doctors…

I don’t think it makes me too unlike the general population. I don’t like going to the doctor.

Filling out the papers, making sure I have my insurance cards with me, examinations, poking, prodding, squeezing.. It’s hassle. And it’s stressful. But I’ve done it. With great hesitation.

For most of my teenage years and now into all of my adult life, I’ve had mild to severe acne. Sometimes it’s not so bad, sometimes I can’t believe I’m going into public and other human beings are going to see me like this. It’s embarrassing. People look. And I feel like there’s nothing I can do.

I’ve tried almost everything I can think of to get these throbbing red spots to go away, to no avail. I’ll find something that will work for a short while but before I know it, those little nasties come back.

I’ve recently considered chemical peels, where you literally put a chemical on your face (the ones I was looking at were salicylic acid) and it takes off dead skin and makes your skin purge all the yucky gunk. But after some research and reading horror stories about people giving themselves third degree burns because they didn’t do the peels correctly, I decided against it. I’d rather have some zits than huge burns across my entire face.

I’ve also read that skin problems are sometimes the result of liver congestion. Since the liver is the impurity filter of the body, when it gets all blocked up, the stuff doesn’t get filtered out like it should and it just forces its way out (in my case, in the form of acne). So I’ve been researching how I can detoxify my liver so that maybe it’ll kick it up a notch on my internal filtration! But, another dead end. I can’t seem to find any GOOD information about liver detox.

So I’ve come to my last resort. My last resort might be a no-brainer first stop for some, but I don’t want to do this. I made an appointment with a dermatologist. Ok, I didn’t even do that. While googling the phone number for the dermatologist, I decided to look around the website for the business first (procrastinating? No of course not… It’s good to have some information about a place before you go there and… okay I was procrastinating). On the website, I not only found out they are closed today (oh darnit… oh well!!), but I also found a form I can submit to them and then THEY’LL call ME to set an appointment. So basically, I requested an appointment. I hesitated a good minute or two before actually hitting “Submit” but I did it.

I hate all of this. I hate talking to doctors, I hate going to the doctor, I hate filling out the papers, I hate that I’m actually having to go to a freaking dermatologist for some zits (isn’t this phase of my life supposed to be over?!), and I know once the appointment is actually set, I’m going to hate having the doctor getting all up in my face, looking right at my skin, maybe touching the painful bumps and talking to me about it. It’s going to awkward for me, and I don’t want to do it. Can you tell? Is it obvious?

I’m hoping that she’ll just have a miracle she can hand over. Take this antibiotic, use this cream and your dreams will come true. But I know it won’t be like that.

Help!! 😫

It’s been a minute!

Well hello there! I haven’t posted in a little while.. Frankly because I haven’t had anything to post about.

The spring classes have begun and I’m in full swing. Financial management, intro to marketing, financial accounting, and anthropology. Ech. Almost makes me gag just to type it!! The one I’m most excited about/interested in is marketing! I’ve settled on marketing to be my concentration and I can’t wait to really get into it!

Aside from that and working, my life has been pretty mellow. Things haven’t been exciting or interesting in the “babbling” world.

I teamed up with my best friend, A, on making some nifty Christmas gifts a few months ago. Together, we made lotion, sugar scrub, lip balm, candles, shaving cream, lotion bars, bath bombs, and beard oil. She really enjoyed making everything and it was especially fun for me because (I don’t know if I’ve shared this on my blog yet… it’s been a while!) this is what I want to do. For a while now, I’ve dreamed of creating lotions and soaps and scrubs and everything in between. I want to one day own a business where I can have even a small shop and sell hand crafted soaps, lotion, shampoo bars, candles, etc.

So since we made these gifts together, it’s really lit a fire under me to get this going. I’ve spent hours (I’m not exaggerating, HOURS) watching videos of people making soaps and the like and reading countless articles, forum threads, instructionals, and comments about this kind of thing. I’ve even got some items picked out that I plan to order once I get my tax refund so that I can start soaping. I’ve read through recipes and I’ve experimented with soap/lye calculators to come up with what could be my own soap recipes.

I’ve planned what I would call my business, thought about what the decor of my shop would be, planned out packaging for my products, considered my customer base and how I could appeal to them, and even thought about starting a business Facebook page using the name I created so that no one else could use it! I know, I’m probably putting the cart before the horse here, but I’m one of those who thinks that if you believe you can and have the motivation to do it, you can make it happen. I’m not saying it’ll be easy or even actually come to fruition. I just want it so bad. I feel like I have the passion for it.

So maybe in a few weeks/months I’ll be making a post about my very first batch of hand crafted soap! Keep an eye out!

While we’re on the subject here, I’ve got a question for you! What scents do you like? Are there different scents you prefer for candles than you do for soaps or lotions? I’m a little biased for fruity/citrus scents but I know other people like other things. So let me know! Are you into clean or purfumey scents? Floral, woodsy, sweet, warm? I appreciate your input!